For a while there it looked like the power balance might be shifting. OK, The Carling Cup means about as much as getting promoted from League One to League Two but a Manchester City victory over their fiercest rivals (Man United) would have been significant. City are already making big strides towards becoming a big club, meaning we may soon have a Big Five. But what is it that makes a club big? Money? Finances? Cash? Some people point to past achievements of a club even though that’s literally history. I have a few theories of my own and to help you understand I’ll be judging every club in the Premier League out of ten with the Jim Lovetoy Big Club-O-Meter!

While Arsenal have won the league a massive three times in their history they’ve done it with a group of largely French players and Ian Wright. The first “English” team to field a team made up entirely of foreigners, Arsenal have also never won anything in Europe. Though they’re perceived as being a big club here they’re not really and they also have Arse in their name, which is silly.

Another club with no European pedigree, Villa currently have pretensions of cracking the top four. If they were a club with any real ambition they’d be aiming to crack the top one.

Birmingham is known as The Second City. Not a good start. With that kind of ambition at the roots of the club they’re never going to do anything more than make up the numbers. A dead cert for relegation this season.

Here’s some unusual trivia for you: Blackburn have actually won the Premier League! That’s a quirky little fact I like to pull out at parties when someone I don’t know talks to me about football, thinking they know more about it than I do. It of course counts for something but come on, I don’t think I can recall a single Blackburn player from that title win, it must have occurred in the 80’s or something. They’ll never fluke another one. A dead cert for relegation this season.

Oasis producer Owen Coyle has a massive job to do if he’s to hit the dizzy heights Bolton achieved when...um...er...nope, can’t think of anything noteworthy that they’ve actually done. A dead cert for relegation this season.

What is it with Lancashire? Blackburn, Burnley, you’d think the place was some flame-scorched, post-apocalyptic hell hole. Saying that I’ve been there and that isn’t far from the truth. This is Burnley’s first season in top flight football. A dead cert for relegation this season.

What matters in football is the here and now, and right now Chelsea are top of the league. They have the European pedigree too; it’s widely agreed that Chelsea were the moral victors in the Champions League final clash with Manchester United, as the player who scored their goal was actually English. A constant threat domestically and continentally, The Blues have the cash to ensure that the finest players, managers and dinner ladies are brought in to London Bridge. Real Madrid might be the big team everyone harps on about, and understandably so, I actually support them too, but Chelsea are the team to beat of the future.

The other team in Liverpool. They’re called The Toffees. Two reasons they can’t be taken seriously.

Chelsea’s poor neighbours and one of the most insignificant clubs in London. At least West Ham can claim that legendary England striker Bobby Moore played for them. Embarrassingly they’ve even tried to get their own rich owner in to try and keep up with Roman Abramovich in the shape of wannabe King Mohamed Al Fayed. All that’s managed to bring them is Bobby Zamora. Rubbish.

I don’t believe for a second that Hull is really a city, they probably just named the club that in an attempt to be taken seriously. Hull Depressing Mining Town FC would be a more appropriate name, as it’s clearly one of those Northern places where they used to make all their money mining Northern things like Hovis and gravy before Enoch Powell shut all that down.

As we’ve already seen with Chelsea, what counts to the real football fans up and down the country, the fans that can be found sipping Magners and watching the game at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in the local Wetherspoons is the here and now. Liverpool haven’t won the Premier League in years and I don’t remember the last time they achieved anything significant in Europe. Of course they won the Champions League blah-blah-blah-‘ere-mate-give-me-a-fiver-to-watch-your-car-or-I’ll-key-it-while-you’re-in-the-shops-blah-blah-blah but everybody considers Chelsea to be the moral victors from that season after Liverpool cheated by lying about the ball crossing the line at The Kop Ground. There’s not been a sniff of anything resembling success for some time and Liverpool’s status dwindles more and more the longer that continues. The great Bill Busby will be turning in his grave.

City are the reason I even invented the Jim Lovetoy Big Club-O-Meter, such are the questions they’re raising since the injection of bajillions into the club account. However, I’m not entirely convinced. Though the papers say he’s playing very, very well can you really say a side with missile-magnet Craig Bellamy in the first team are a big club? On the other hand, though he isn’t playing well, they do have Robinho, who’s definitely the sort of name you’d expect to see at a big club. There’s a definite transition going on. My tip as a team to watch.

Dear oh dear, what’s going on at Manchester United? No Ronaldo, no Beckham, no Giggs. The glory days look like they may be over, they’ve even stooped so low as to scrape the barrel for Liverpool reject and Take That singer Michael Owen. Of course, they’re the champions, they’re huge in places like Asia, Norway and Surrey and this counts for something but the most important asset they had for being a big club is gone; they’re now heaped with debt and are no longer the richest club in the world. Herbert Shankly will be turning in his grave.

In Avram Grant they have a coach with an outstanding CV due to his association with Chelsea (though he never really had my backing, which probably contributed to his dismissal) and they won the FA Cup, albeit against West Brom, so they can legitimately claim to have achieved something, but at the same time Kanu plays for them, and no team who’ve had Kanu playing for them can ever make a claim to being significant. A dead cert for relegation this season.

A dead cert for relegation this season.

Recently torn apart by Chelsea they boast Kriss Akabusi-a-like Darren Bent and Welsh international and potential Liverpool flop Kenwyne Jones as their front two. Hardly going to set the league alight. A dead cert for relegation this season.

It’s difficult to judge Spurs based on their history as it’s always due to happen next season. They certainly do seem to have a lot of money coming from somewhere, perhaps Harry Redknapp’s Used Car Lot is popular among players, WAGS and agents as I don’t see where else the cash comes from other than perhaps the 7 kits they bring out every season. Despite this they’ve never managed to use the cash for what it’s actually for; winning things.

West Ham fans often claim two things; that they’re related to The Krays and that West Ham won the World Cup. Chelsea hero Jimmy Greaves got a hat-trick in the World Cup final, meaning that if anything you should say that Chelsea won it in a moral victory. Known as The Irons - cockney rhyming slang for “poof”, as in “iron hoof”, which I’ve never understood – The Hammers haven’t done anything in recent decades other than not get relegated. They certainly have a rich history, but history counts for nothing in the long term. A dead cert for relegation this season.

Wigan’s biggest achievement is The Verve’s classic Urban Hymns. A dead cert for relegation this season.

Wolves? What are they American? Stupid. A dead cert for relegation this season.

So there we have it, definitive proof that Liverpool and Man United are relics from the past and Chelsea are now the major force in English, European and International football, and long may it continue! Chelsea, Chelsea!